The seven step guide you never knew you needed, teaching you the essential skill of spending responsibly while drunk.
‘So, you got drunk and spent all your money’ is a title I am considering choosing for my forthcoming autobiography, so allow me to open with an anecdote.
A year or so ago, the morning after a boozy wine tour, I distinctly remember calling my bank in utter distress after noticing a series of fraudulent transactions made to my card.
There had been several small transactions made under a vendor I was not familiar with, and after four minutes of impatiently sweating to the tune of an Adele song while on hold, I was informed that the unrecognized vendor was indeed me at the last winery we visited - a fable I can only assume is not uncommon among many British folk.
If the hangover isn’t hard enough to wake up to the morning after, try checking your bank balance. Nothing induces an anxiety attack quite like vaguely remembering how many times you tapped your card for the on-tap liquid responsible for the pain you are experiencing today.
And let’s not forget about the taxi home or the obligatory kebab - evidence of which you found in your coat pocket when you put it on for work on Monday.
So why does this continue to happen weekend after weekend?
Put simply, alcohol makes your discipline and decision making skills dissolve much like *that* scene in Avengers: Infinity War. But all quips and frothy beverages aside, constantly drinking away your money is an actual issue we need to discuss, so brew a cuppa and get comfortable. Don’t you dare spike it either.
We’re not here to scrutinise. We’re not. We’re chums. We’re that friend you can send 16 messages in a row and not feel judged. Look to this like a pamphlet your school guidance counselor would pass onto you when you had your first existential crisis.
The seven steps to getting your Chip together
Step 1: 60 seconds of self pity
We often find ourselves treading in a pool of regret (or vomit) the morning-after, but avoid dwelling in all the negativity for too long. We have shit to do.
Quickly send your squad a Snapchat captioned #dying and let’s get on to the self development.
Step 2: Acceptance
Own your mistake(s). Yes you got white girl/boy wasted, yes you spent two months rent, but it’s done.
Unless you’ve mastered time travel (if so, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org), you don’t want to make an icky situation ickier. Be kind and remind yourself that what you’re feeling is only temporary.
Step 3: Sustenance
If I had a pound for every time I have googled ‘foods to cure a hangover’, I would be writing this blog from the comfort of a sunbed in the Bahamas.
Now you have accepted you made some questionable spending decisions while under the influence, arguably the most important step in damage control is the recovery meal.
Eggs. Toast. Avocado. Mushrooms. Aisle 6 of Tesco.
Step 4: Identify where you went wrong
Take a deep breath, it’s time to face your transaction history head on.
Did you volunteer to shout one too many rounds?
Did you lash out on the post-pub grub?
Did you cause havoc in the Uber home?
So, get the red sharpie out and pin point the exact point where things get out of hand.
Step 5: Game plan
Not just a great Disney movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Start small and think of one possible solution to the problem you identified in step 4. It could be setting alarms or reminders in your phone or separating you spending from your saving, much like Chip.
Thousands of people use Chip as a means of a safety net, assuring they are routinely putting money away and can’t access that money directly from their banking app.
Step 6: Share the ideas with a mate
If you can’t rely on yourself to keep your spending inline, ask a pal - preferably a sober one - to keep you accountable.
A gentle tap on the wrist at least; confiscation of debit card at most.
Step 7: Set three positive goals you want to achieve this week
We’re all about radiating positive energy at Chip, so we want to end on a high.
Do something nice for a stranger. Take the stairs instead of the escalator. Commit to a yoga class. Eat a vegetable. Research more Amy Poehler gifs.